This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
