i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
