No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
