Betty ford says i'm here all night
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Pooping to opera.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
