I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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