Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My pussy is not your playground.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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