Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
