New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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