Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
