Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
