I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
