we're chasing vodka with high fives
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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