oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
