I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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