Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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