two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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