Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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