I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
