i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
