We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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