I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
