That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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