I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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