my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
