Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
