I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
