dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
