The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
