I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
