There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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