Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
