I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
