fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
