He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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