I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
