I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
