She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
