After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
no you cant smoke seaweed
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
