I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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