hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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