I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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