I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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