Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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