I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
