I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
