Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
