if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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