I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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