im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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