Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
