I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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