My cat gives me a boner
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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