If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
