If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
