Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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