she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
