if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
