and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
